Wednesday, October 29, 2008

My life as a nurse... the ongoing saga

First things first... here's the latest cute picture I have to share of my precious mushroom boys.

I'm in a funk lately, and I don't know exactly why.  Although I frequently make pessimistic statements sometimes, I really haven't been a pessimist since I left high school and all it's angst behind.  I know I'm tired almost all the time now.  I'm sure that's a side-effect of hard work and too much stress.  Often on my days off I sleep just about around the clock, when I used to try to get household chores done, catch up on reading for fun, knit, and just generally do whatever relaxing thing I could think of doing.  I hate that I sleep so much.  I have so many things I want to accomplish on my days off.  (Like blogging... though at this point I'm sure no one reads this but me)

I suppose I had unrealistic expectations for life as a nurse.  Of course the (much) larger paycheck is making life financially easier.  It seems that Money really is not the only thing.  (Although I am happy to report that I have a new beautiful oven, new countertops, a new sink, and now the L-man is putting up new siding, and has already installed a new custom mahogany front door.  So, even though the house is definitely no bigger, it is looking nicer all the time.  Oh! and about 70% of our debt is paid off too.  So that's all very nice... and all within the first year of my new employment.  

I think I just have to take a further degree of separation from my job.  Mentally and emotionally that is.  But given that nursing is an intensive mental and emotional job, that may not be possible.  My positive well-being is very closely linked to my ability to get my patients through the night.  I find myself actually praying for my patients, and I don't even know who I'm praying to., or what I'm praying for.  Sometimes, with some patients, it's hard to say whether living or dying would be the greatest blessing.  Especially in my particular specialty.  

What's peculiar about nursing is that while we are in the business of caring, there is a certain emotional detachment that we seem to cultivate, to insulate ourselves from the humanity of our patients and their families.  We care... but only just so much, and only while the family stays within their ordained boundaries.  When the family actually does what a good, caring, and reasonably intelligent family should do, and questions the appropriateness of the care we provide we medical professionals get very irate.  It's funny to see sometimes, from an outside perspective just how offended we all get when we are questioned by family.  I say we, because I do it too.  We all want our patients to just do exactly as we tell them to, and never question.  

I suppose I'm going into all that because I have a patient right now, and a family that are from a different culture.  And none of the nurse on my unit can deal with the family, because to them it's too foreign, too strange. They don't understand that it is just a wife and an extended family, very worried about a good man who is at death's door, and they don't know why.  I seem to be the only one who can deal with the family of this man.  Thank you mother, for raising me to be more accepting and more culturally aware than the average person.  

Well, that's enough for one post.